Pieces of Me 1

Awal dari membuat akun blog ini, tujuanku hanya satu, mencari jati diri, soul searching, kinda late, rite? Umurku sudah mendekati 35 tahun, dan menikah hampir 7 tahun, for whole my life, I cant answer so many things....

Perjalanan hidup, membawaku sampai ke titik ini, titik dimana aku mulai menyadari I'm like a shattered glass or puzzle? and now I'm trying to mend it, pieces by pieces. Bagaikan puzzle yang terserak di berbagai tempat, tak terlihat dan tak terdeteksi, I've been wondering around, try to found each of them. This is my journey for my soul searching.

I'm not that proud for what happened in my life for the last 7 years, but it lead me this way, to the moment that i might will not realized if I'm not here. God loves me enough, to lead me the way He give.

Start from my marriage life, I've been writing long enough story in how my husband try to convince me to married him back then. I'm the never believe married life is there, finally accepted it. With all hopes that I already have someone who always holding my hands and be there when I'm sad. Erase my loneliness, complete my broken pieces.

Aku anak kedua, anak tengah yang bahkan hingga saat ini masih bisa merasakan kemarahanku pada usia dini, saat usiaku 2tahun. Saat aku selalu merasa papa dan mamaku dan semua orang hanya peduli pada abangku, aku sudah merasakan yang namanya merasa tidak diperhatikan, tidak disayang dan sering ditinggalkan. Because I'm too noisy, too active, too talkative, it's hard to handle me. I'm a watcher, mengamati bagaimana mama menyayangi abangku, pergi bertiga jalan jalan dan meninggalkanku dirumah, kesedihan dan kemarahan itu masih kurekam hingga saat ini, isi lemari yang kuhancurkan, baju baju yang kugunting. I had that anger inside me for long time. And I'm really happy when my parents are separated. I'm afraid of him, I'm nervous around him, I think we really disconnected. Papa menikahi perempuan lain, saat mama sedang mengandung aku, beda usia ku dengan adikku hanya 6 bulan.

Aku merasakan kesedihan itu panjang, dan entah kenapa aku selalu merasa sedih dan sendiri, like nobody take care of me.

Walau dengan semua kesedihan itu, aku tetap menjadi anak yang ceria, mudah berteman, dan always curious over something.

Looking through the side mirror

it will be series of devastated feeling, but it teach me, alot!

It started when i found that my period was late, i have never late with my cycles. Pregnant? am not ready yet. I have a lot of plan. Please not now

Before i even go to absgyn, I had spots and cramps, i already start to love the growing baby in my belly, what happened?

Check from one obsgyn to another week by week and i have to face it, its blighted ovum, the baby stop growing, its already week 12, and nothing inside the sac, i have to decided to let it go...

And I realized, how easy i got pregnant before, so easy and i dont feel grateful for the gift i got. For my precious baby, I take it for granted, as it supposed to do, never have any clue how difficult for other woman to have baby, with all efforts. And I start to look different at my daughter, regret for mistake i've made to her, not take care as it should be to her as her mom,

So thats how i look to her dad also, with all his efforts to stay by my side no matter how harsh and cold i'am, no matter so stubborn i'am with all confidence and arrogance, always saying that i have done enough, i need my own space and i love to be alone, all the way am i all alone.

My blighted ovum made me learn a lot, realised something and learn to say proper thank you to God.

Last 2 years, i wish, i want to live alone, want to find my own way, pray hard to God to make my husband release me, from his heart.

I lost my pregnancy, I'm gratefull that God give me precious daughter and husband, the selfish mum and wife that always taje it for granted, never look carefully what i have, always feel insecure and blame my past.

I thank God for his gift from deep inside my heart, and God granted me my wish, my pray, my husband release his hands, release me from his heart, I just feel it. By the way he treat me, is it what i'm looking for? why suddenly i felt abandoned and left behind?

i try to figure out the things happened to me recently, i have never say proper thank you to God for everything. I'm still lucky to have friends that remind me my mistake, remind and make me realized the mistake i've done.

Standing here, present. my happiness is about my mind, i've lost my old self who able to find her own happiness and not depend on someone, not pushing someone to make her happy, now what i can wish for? for the future?

i think i just wanna feel this moment, still pray for the best, whatever is God choose for me, enough demanding. I have to recite and know what Al Ikhlas is meaning.

I'm here, realized my mistake, feel regret yet relieved that i found it before its too late.

I'm sorry

salaam

Bianca

be careful with what you wish

here is the story
its about my life, most of the time i take everything for granted. and i forgot to take care of it, or feel blessed with it and appreciate it. for the time being i always kept complaining with what i have, what have been given to me, its never satisfied me. And for a moment i realized my mistake, and i know the precious gift God given me for saved my life, but then in the past I pray God to take back hist gift, to let me let go His gift. but then today, i thanks God for his gift that i never appreciate, for His blessing to me. Too late I thanks God for his gift, when God already answer my pray, my precious gift already gone. Perhaps not belong to me anymore....
and i'm here regretting for the things i have done.

you are really never know what you have until its dissappear from you. Me with my arrogancy, my pride and my big mouth, lost in the crowd

bianca

nyamuk

aku sebel banget sama makhluk satu ini,
karena dia pengecut dan tidak berani berhadapan denganku secara langsung,
mereka mengincar orang orang yang aku sayang,
berdengung dengung,
terbang,
menggigit,
kabur dan sembunyi,
sepertinya nyamuk tidak sudi menggigitku,
apa karena darahku pahit?
atau karena hawa membunuh yang kuat dariku? seperti ada tulisan, lo senggol gw bacok, lo gigit gw matiin.
putri kecilku dari td gelisah digigit seekor nyamuk yang begitu lihainya selalu bersembunyi dariku
dan tidak sekalipun berusaha menggigit atau mendekatiku,
selalu begitu, mereka selalu mengincar orang orang disekitarku dan bukan aku,
berani kesini, kutepuk kau nyamuk..

bianca

Intermezzo

Sedikit kisahku tentang cinta...

Sesekali mungkin perlu untuk menceritakannya, menuliskannya, tentang cinta yang kurasa...
Aku pernah berbuat kesalahan, mencintai dengan bodoh dan mata tertutup.

Hingga, pada saatnya aku menyadari kesalahan itu dan menghentikan semua, menemukan rasa cinta yang baru, namun aku tidak sanggup mengungkapkannya, tidak mampu bilang apa apa

Dan rasa itu aku abaikan, aku mencoba menerima ungkapan cinta yang ditawarkan padaku, walau aku rasa tidak, dan dia tahu hatiku kemana dan untuk siapa, aku akhirnya belajar menerima cinta yang ditawarkan, dan mengembalikannya, tapi hatiku belum lagi utuh dan laksana tersaput kabut.

Dalam rinduku disaat sendiriku, menjadi aku, aku masih mengenangnya, tidak melepas rasa itu pergi, dan rasa itu masih disini untuk dia, sahabatku, tertidur dan belum pergi

Terkadang aku ingin seutuhnya pada saat ini, tempatku, hidupku. Namun aku menyandarkan kekuatanku ditempat lain, saat kecewa, sedih dan marah aku sandarkan diriku pada perasaan yang kubangunkan lagi, untuk menemani aku, menemani dalam sedih dan tangisku.

Untuk kamu, entah kenapa aku selalu merasa kisah kita tidak pernah dimulai, tapi tidak usai.

Apakah aku terlalu mencintaimu? Atau aku melarikan diri dari kenyataan hidup?

Aku masih harus belajar banyak, terutama untuk belajar melepaskan bayang bayangmu.

Bianca

Note: disaat sedihku, hatiku mengenangmu dan berharap kamu disini temani aku

Menggugat Tuhan

Like I've told you before, this blog are my random though, something that I will not simply spill to my friends.

Setiap kali berada di keramaian, aku melihat be gitu banyak manusia berjubel, berdesakan dengan beragam kepentingan, pikiran dan pekerjaan, entah kenapa setiap kali melihat banyak manusia di keramaian, pikiran yang muncul dikepalaku adalah gambar tumpukan mayat yang pernah aku terima di-email dulu, mayat mayat manusia korban perang. Hanya seonggok daging, tak berharga, diperlakukan dengan tidak layak dan tidak terhormat.

Dulu aku sering ke klub malam, berpindah pindah dari satu nite club ke nite club lainnya. Apa yang aku pikirkan saat menikmati dentuman musik dan hingar bingar malam? Perang, Teror Dan Kelaparan,

Bagaimana bisa diluar sana sedang terjadi pembantaian, perang, teror dan kelaparan, aku beserta pengunjung klub malam malah bersenang senang, lupa diri dan lupa pulang.

Biasanya aku duduk, minum lemon tea dan mengamati, menertawai diri sendiri, juga orang orang yang sedang lupa diri. Aku bukan penggemar alcohol, bukannya tidak pernah minum, tapi benar2 tidak suka rasanya, juga tidak pernah mencoba obat2an.. Aku ke klub malam untuk mengamati orang orang dan menikmati musik tentunya.

Saat itu aku susah, kekurangan, hidup dari bantuan teman dan saudara, aku bertekat suatu hari nanti, saat aku punya uang, aku ingin membantu sesama, jadi manusia yang lebih baik dan tidak menghambur hamburkan uang apalagi untuk pesta yang tak berguna

Saat ini hidupku tidaklah kekurangan, kurang bersyukur iya, boros, dan suka lupa dengan tekad untuk membantu sesama. Apa yang aku tekad kan dulu, hanya sesekali terlaksana sekarang.

Dan hari ini kulihat lagi manusia yang banyak, perumahan yang padat, manusia dengan beragam kulit dan warna, berseliweran didepanku dengan pikiran mereka masing2...

Dan TUHAN, sebenarnya kenapa  menciptakan manusia yang suka berperang ini? Untuk apa hidup yang singkat didunia ini? Takdir seperti apa yang harus manusia temui dan jalani?

Malaikat pun yang sangat mulia mempertanyakan pencipataan manusia, yang suka saling menumpahkan darah, apalagi manusia biasa yang nafsunya bisa membolak balikkan kondisi manusia menjadi setara binatang atau lebih tinggi dari malaikat?

TUHAN, aku menggugat, mengapa aku begitu rapuh dan mudah dibolak balikkan hatinya?
Ikhlas itu sudah pernah aku rasa, tapi Pasrah? Memasrahkan hati, jiwa dan raga pada Mu? Bagaimana caranya jika otak ini selalu penuh tanya dan mempertanyakan?

But I believe in You, really, I just wonder...


Salam

Bianca

small talk lead to a good idea

its important yo keep talk and share dreams with your friend, to keep you wake up and explore your dream.

yesterday i had small chat with friend of mine, we have talked about parenting, and how some couples are not ready to be a parents, its happen on me, on her and count on and on

lots, a lot of people thing that parentship is natural instinc and miracle happens, but is not, a lot of new parents dont know what to do with the baby, dont know what is baby blues and what to to as a new mum, new dad

and the chat going on that we have to do something, for good sake.

Start with marriage class,
preparation for parenting class ( during pregnancy) for couples
parenting, maternity class, fraternal class (correct me if im wrong spelling)

owwhh this really make me excited

Salam

Bianca

Hitam Putih

Hitam Putih

The concept of duality, like a checker board pattern, Good vs Evil, Black vs White, Yin and Yang for a balance of life. Is that simple?

It's in life we just choose to be a good or bad, because duality of life make a balance in life?
Even the angel and evil actually side by side to educate people's to find the meaning in life?
It will be no problem either you choose black or white, it's just your part or destiny, is inside you and you fulfill your life?

I don't like the simplicity of life, yet I don't like its too complicated. I'm not in nowhere but I'm in the process to find the right path.

And I surrender (try to surrender) to the God, I choose to believe that I'm the leader for me to the journey in the 'earth stage' life.

Note: I'm wondering why every time I'm writing something here, it's ended with I'm writing something different from my first though, I just let it flow...

Salaam

Bianca

Long life live

What is fair and unfair?
Who is the owner of the Fairness?

You can witness so many unfairness in your life and where is your part?
Where is the best place you can stand?

You can read the news about the Minister's son kill people's on the road and not go to the jailed and next time you read the news that the girl jump over from the public transport, died and the public transport driver go to the jail. I don't know who is right and who is wrong, but its so clear message here, it's depend who you are for getting the Law impact.

Low class people can be jailed for stealing, thief small things like sandals, melons, fruits or whatever.
High class people will call the attorneys for defending them, stand for them for corruption, killing and cheating or whatever...

Laws are look like only for middle to low class people, the class that created by human on the earth with the boundary called country...

Others are untouchable yet still powerfull.

This is the world I'm living rite now

To witness so many thing that make my heart hard and hardener time by time, I'm afraid that I will lost the soft my heart someday. Lost my capability to cry and empathy.

Salaam

Bianca

Value of your life

What are our value these days?
Number is it?

We are depending on how much we have the number received every month in the account, and how much number are left at the end of the month? How happy we are to see if our score of appraisal are above some limits, this is will be for the sake of bonus number also.

Some people are sometimes ridiculously did not count the friendship which are have more value than numbers, to intentionally give friends a bad number, because maybe afraid that friend will get more attention or more number and want to declare all the job are succeed only because one person job. Pathetic.

Really its not me, I'm not talking about my self, because I just happy to see my score, whatever my boss give, honestly I thing I'm not deserve that well. Because sometimes I'm against what my Boss want or told, a bit rebellious. I'm quiet outspoken for whatever I like or don't like and my Boss know me well, as I always said to everybody that I'm in love with my job, but not with the company, meaning if stay in one place make me hurt, I just found other place off course.

For me it's not always for number, sometimes just for the cozy place with a lot of challenge...
Now actually I'm out of topic, the things that bother my mind that make me open the laptop and write this is that I thing I lost somethng.

For the sake of number of amount that I received every month of the cheque that I got, I left my family behind. The urge of have to pay this and that, have this and that, or additional shopping pleasure, I'm working very hard and forget my main job. To raise my child, to be with her and witness every step of life until she got ready to be a human and fulfilled her life by guidance of the Creator of the Universe. Sometimes I even forget how I should behave as a mother and wife, forget the value of life is the family. For the sake of number that even not a day in my account.

I even very seldom to see that number is exist. Once I received it, its gone, for payment, for insurance, for credit, for school fee, for daily expense and for saving.

Is this number are really exist? Who is controlling this number? do its really worth it to left my family or my natural job for this not exist number??

I cant say we, but I, some of the people I meet and I know are sometimes forget the value of family,  value of friendship and humanity...

*Uuughhh... my friend are calling and I forget some of the things that I want to write here. It's just my random though, and I will spill everything here...

Salaam

Bianca

Top Hit List

Seriously...

I was a big fan of MTV, waktu di sekolah menengah kayanya keren beneeer kalau tau lagu lagu yang diputar di MTV, video klip yang seru seru,

Video klip Aerosmith, crying sama amazing woooow banget deh, anak smp yang lagi puber menghayalkan ciuman yang super duper hot, hmmmm...

Sampai adikku yang masih sekolah dasar protes, karena sehari hari aku nontonnya ya si MTV ini, bosen amat sih kak, apa yang diliat coba? nyanyi nyanyi melulu... ooow my sister, ini happening and sangat keren dong...

Waktu akhirnya menjauhkan dari segala video music, sampai akhirnya aku rutin mengantar anakku ke sekolah, dan hiburanku selama bersama anakku adalah radio, radio anak muda dengan music dan lagu terbaru..

Aku protes ke adikku, kenapa semua musiknya sama aja, beatnya sama, tipe suara sama? Sekarang adikku yang penggemar si video music dan segala lagu R&B, HipHop dan kawan kawan, aku biasanya cukup rajin membaca segala berita di situs berita online, kadang aku tahu nama artisnya tapi tidak tahu lagunya yang mana.

Hasil mendengarkan lagu lagu di radio itu, kenapa lagu lagu Top Hit List isinya ga jauh jauh dari Let's get Party? Let's get drunk? Let's Dance forever sama let's loose your mind ato Let's loose control?
hampir tidak ada lagi lagu lagu cinta yang manis dan tulus, lagu yang menyentuh hati, semua lagu mengajak kita bergoyang dan membuat jantung berdebar dengan cepat.

Dan anakku ternyata penghapal lagu yang cepat, dia jadi hapal beberapa bait lagunya, hapal musiknya... Parahnya pernah pula sekolah anakku pentas dengan tema cerita putri happily ever after, tapi latar belakang musiknya lagu lagu terkini Justin Bieber, Katy Perry, Usher... What??

Mau ngajarin anak anak musik diskotik apa??

Salam

Bianca

Journey to My Passion

Sejujurnya...

Blog ini merupakan therapy untuk diriku sendiri...
menulis dan menulis, apa saja kecuali pekerjaan dan kehidupan sehari hariku..

Ada hal yang mengusik diriku, mengganggu dan menyita sebagian waktuku, membuatku lupa pada hal hal yang seharusnya aku lakukan.

Saat ini pekerjaan adalah "handler" ku segala sesuatu yang kulakukan hanya untuk kerja, kerja dan kerja.... walaupun aku menyukai pekerjaanku, mencintai malah, tapi aku kehilangan jiwa spiritualku, dan kadang ini membuat jiwaku kosong dan bertanya tanya.

Disela sela pekerjaan yang menumpuk, aku menyibukkan diri mencari hal yang aku suka, yang paling ingin aku lakukan, saat ini semua seperti benang kusut dan tidak terarah, melalui jurnal jurnal yang akan aku tulis ini, aku berharap aku dapat mengerti diriku sendiri... tujuan dari penciptaanku dan memenuhi misi penciptaanku di dunia.

Aku ingin berdoa dengan khusyu
Aku ingin tidak membohongi hati nuraniku
Aku ingin damai dan berguna dalam hidup yang singkat ini
Aku akan berusaha temukan lagi percik percik itu dalam diriku sendiri..
dan disini akan kurekam jejak jejak pencarian kedalam diriku sendiri,
Ke hati nurani, ke aliran darah, ke dalam rangkaian fikiran, ke dalam tiap partikel tubuh

Temani aku kawan dalam pencarian ini
Resolusiku tahun ini : Journey to search my soul, its lost or i've never found it, let's walk with me, I hope that you find your soul as well.

Salam

Bianca

My New Blog and my first post

Salaam.

Aku Bianca,

Namaku Bianca, Not my real name off course, but I'm real person. No Transaction activity here, this place are dedicated for my random though, since I have a blog with my real name here and there. Mungkin teman teman blogger suatu hari akan mengetahui identitasku, nggak masalah, hanya ingin menulis hal hal lain diluar dari yang biasa aku tuliskan.

Kenapa namanya Bianca? Karena namanya kedengaran manis dan juga kuat. Aku menyukai tokoh Bianca yang aku baca dari komik topeng kaca, dan Bianca juga sahabat putriku. Sahabat pertamanya sejak dia pindah sekolah, padahal di sekolah sebelumnya dia lebih lama, entah kenapa dia mencintai sekolahnya yang baru.

Aku punya beberapa blog sebelum ini, isinya rata rata mengenai pekerjaan, kehidupan sehari hari, curhat curhat ga penting. Nah disini aku akan menulis hal hal yang aku cintai, yang paling ingin aku lakukan sebagai manusia, sebagai seorang pencari diri, aku akan menuliskan pencarian jati diriku disini....

I want to start here, journey of my life, searching for the meaning of life. They said its kind of therapy  for your soul..

Salam

Bianca