Pieces of Me 1

Awal dari membuat akun blog ini, tujuanku hanya satu, mencari jati diri, soul searching, kinda late, rite? Umurku sudah mendekati 35 tahun, dan menikah hampir 7 tahun, for whole my life, I cant answer so many things....

Perjalanan hidup, membawaku sampai ke titik ini, titik dimana aku mulai menyadari I'm like a shattered glass or puzzle? and now I'm trying to mend it, pieces by pieces. Bagaikan puzzle yang terserak di berbagai tempat, tak terlihat dan tak terdeteksi, I've been wondering around, try to found each of them. This is my journey for my soul searching.

I'm not that proud for what happened in my life for the last 7 years, but it lead me this way, to the moment that i might will not realized if I'm not here. God loves me enough, to lead me the way He give.

Start from my marriage life, I've been writing long enough story in how my husband try to convince me to married him back then. I'm the never believe married life is there, finally accepted it. With all hopes that I already have someone who always holding my hands and be there when I'm sad. Erase my loneliness, complete my broken pieces.

Aku anak kedua, anak tengah yang bahkan hingga saat ini masih bisa merasakan kemarahanku pada usia dini, saat usiaku 2tahun. Saat aku selalu merasa papa dan mamaku dan semua orang hanya peduli pada abangku, aku sudah merasakan yang namanya merasa tidak diperhatikan, tidak disayang dan sering ditinggalkan. Because I'm too noisy, too active, too talkative, it's hard to handle me. I'm a watcher, mengamati bagaimana mama menyayangi abangku, pergi bertiga jalan jalan dan meninggalkanku dirumah, kesedihan dan kemarahan itu masih kurekam hingga saat ini, isi lemari yang kuhancurkan, baju baju yang kugunting. I had that anger inside me for long time. And I'm really happy when my parents are separated. I'm afraid of him, I'm nervous around him, I think we really disconnected. Papa menikahi perempuan lain, saat mama sedang mengandung aku, beda usia ku dengan adikku hanya 6 bulan.

Aku merasakan kesedihan itu panjang, dan entah kenapa aku selalu merasa sedih dan sendiri, like nobody take care of me.

Walau dengan semua kesedihan itu, aku tetap menjadi anak yang ceria, mudah berteman, dan always curious over something.

Looking through the side mirror

it will be series of devastated feeling, but it teach me, alot!

It started when i found that my period was late, i have never late with my cycles. Pregnant? am not ready yet. I have a lot of plan. Please not now

Before i even go to absgyn, I had spots and cramps, i already start to love the growing baby in my belly, what happened?

Check from one obsgyn to another week by week and i have to face it, its blighted ovum, the baby stop growing, its already week 12, and nothing inside the sac, i have to decided to let it go...

And I realized, how easy i got pregnant before, so easy and i dont feel grateful for the gift i got. For my precious baby, I take it for granted, as it supposed to do, never have any clue how difficult for other woman to have baby, with all efforts. And I start to look different at my daughter, regret for mistake i've made to her, not take care as it should be to her as her mom,

So thats how i look to her dad also, with all his efforts to stay by my side no matter how harsh and cold i'am, no matter so stubborn i'am with all confidence and arrogance, always saying that i have done enough, i need my own space and i love to be alone, all the way am i all alone.

My blighted ovum made me learn a lot, realised something and learn to say proper thank you to God.

Last 2 years, i wish, i want to live alone, want to find my own way, pray hard to God to make my husband release me, from his heart.

I lost my pregnancy, I'm gratefull that God give me precious daughter and husband, the selfish mum and wife that always taje it for granted, never look carefully what i have, always feel insecure and blame my past.

I thank God for his gift from deep inside my heart, and God granted me my wish, my pray, my husband release his hands, release me from his heart, I just feel it. By the way he treat me, is it what i'm looking for? why suddenly i felt abandoned and left behind?

i try to figure out the things happened to me recently, i have never say proper thank you to God for everything. I'm still lucky to have friends that remind me my mistake, remind and make me realized the mistake i've done.

Standing here, present. my happiness is about my mind, i've lost my old self who able to find her own happiness and not depend on someone, not pushing someone to make her happy, now what i can wish for? for the future?

i think i just wanna feel this moment, still pray for the best, whatever is God choose for me, enough demanding. I have to recite and know what Al Ikhlas is meaning.

I'm here, realized my mistake, feel regret yet relieved that i found it before its too late.

I'm sorry

salaam

Bianca

be careful with what you wish

here is the story
its about my life, most of the time i take everything for granted. and i forgot to take care of it, or feel blessed with it and appreciate it. for the time being i always kept complaining with what i have, what have been given to me, its never satisfied me. And for a moment i realized my mistake, and i know the precious gift God given me for saved my life, but then in the past I pray God to take back hist gift, to let me let go His gift. but then today, i thanks God for his gift that i never appreciate, for His blessing to me. Too late I thanks God for his gift, when God already answer my pray, my precious gift already gone. Perhaps not belong to me anymore....
and i'm here regretting for the things i have done.

you are really never know what you have until its dissappear from you. Me with my arrogancy, my pride and my big mouth, lost in the crowd

bianca