Looking through the side mirror

it will be series of devastated feeling, but it teach me, alot!

It started when i found that my period was late, i have never late with my cycles. Pregnant? am not ready yet. I have a lot of plan. Please not now

Before i even go to absgyn, I had spots and cramps, i already start to love the growing baby in my belly, what happened?

Check from one obsgyn to another week by week and i have to face it, its blighted ovum, the baby stop growing, its already week 12, and nothing inside the sac, i have to decided to let it go...

And I realized, how easy i got pregnant before, so easy and i dont feel grateful for the gift i got. For my precious baby, I take it for granted, as it supposed to do, never have any clue how difficult for other woman to have baby, with all efforts. And I start to look different at my daughter, regret for mistake i've made to her, not take care as it should be to her as her mom,

So thats how i look to her dad also, with all his efforts to stay by my side no matter how harsh and cold i'am, no matter so stubborn i'am with all confidence and arrogance, always saying that i have done enough, i need my own space and i love to be alone, all the way am i all alone.

My blighted ovum made me learn a lot, realised something and learn to say proper thank you to God.

Last 2 years, i wish, i want to live alone, want to find my own way, pray hard to God to make my husband release me, from his heart.

I lost my pregnancy, I'm gratefull that God give me precious daughter and husband, the selfish mum and wife that always taje it for granted, never look carefully what i have, always feel insecure and blame my past.

I thank God for his gift from deep inside my heart, and God granted me my wish, my pray, my husband release his hands, release me from his heart, I just feel it. By the way he treat me, is it what i'm looking for? why suddenly i felt abandoned and left behind?

i try to figure out the things happened to me recently, i have never say proper thank you to God for everything. I'm still lucky to have friends that remind me my mistake, remind and make me realized the mistake i've done.

Standing here, present. my happiness is about my mind, i've lost my old self who able to find her own happiness and not depend on someone, not pushing someone to make her happy, now what i can wish for? for the future?

i think i just wanna feel this moment, still pray for the best, whatever is God choose for me, enough demanding. I have to recite and know what Al Ikhlas is meaning.

I'm here, realized my mistake, feel regret yet relieved that i found it before its too late.

I'm sorry

salaam

Bianca